Asexual Bingo 2

Asexual Bingo 2


Hey everyone, it’s swankivy. A good five years
ago I posted a video called “Asexual Bingo.” And it was a good laugh making a literal game
out of all the ridiculous potshots people take at asexual people, but it was far from
comprehensive in covering the kinds of comments we get. So here I am, half a decade later
revisiting the subject with Asexual Bingo 2. Things have changed so much since 2011. More
people have heard of asexuality; we’ve been covered more consistently in mainstream media;
there’s been an explosion of inclusion in LGBT+ groups and fictional media; and I even
managed to get a book deal for a subject that wouldn’t have been “big” enough five years
ago. But as far as we’ve come, there is still a ton of ignorance in the world, and one of
the issues I’ve seen popping up a lot lately is that we don’t actually face any attitudes
or treatment that makes asexuality awareness efforts worth doing. And I think this video
will tear that assumption into little bitty bits, considering these people who are saying
these things are the people we live and work with every day. Please note going into this that every single
comment I’m reading is a REAL COMMENT that has been left on one of my materials or said
to me in person, and any out asexual person will tell you that they’ve probably heard
almost all of them before themselves. Consider this a trigger and content warning for sexually
explicit language, violent and bigoted commentary, and just plain vile unpleasantness. With that . . . let us play . . . Asexual
Bingo. “You’re asexual? I’ll turn you back to hetero,
baby. Just give me ten minutes in the shower with you.” Don’t you love how he says “back” to hetero?
Everybody who’s not straight obviously used to be. “No one is asexual. Just because your father
or some fucked up priest did some fucked up shit to you doesn’t mean you don’t like sex.
NO ONE is born without a libido. You might not even remember it or you blocked it out.
GET SOME HELP.” Are you kidding me? I never even went to church. So gross how he’s using “GET HELP FOR THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM YOU CLEARLY HAVE” as a weapon here. This is not how caring people
ask you to care for yourself. It boggles my mind how people think that an
abuse experience would have been so formative for me that it would’ve changed my sexual
orientation, and yet they feel no qualms about bringing it up without any forewarning in
an unsafe atmosphere just to shock me and shut me up. Not shutting up, sorry. “An asexual person would in theory feel APATHY
toward sex and display no emotion when confronted with sexuality.” Uh-huh. ‘Cause that describes how straight
people generally feel about sex with their own gender. Apathy! Indifference! Yeah. This guy gets to say what constitutes
proof of asexuality “in theory,” as long as he defines asexuality as something that’s
neutral for us. Dude, there is a huge difference between being attracted to someone and being
cool with having sex with them. PLENTY OF PEOPLE DO NOT WANNA HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE THEY’RE NOT ATTRACTED TO. “You make me sick.” Take note, guys. My asexuality makes this
person feel physically ill. “You are stuck in an infantile state and quite
simply find sex ‘yucky.'” WAAAAHHHHH YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT I LIKE! YOU’RE
SO IMMATURE! “This is either a defense mechanism or your
lack of self-confidence, or, as said earlier, something fucked up happened to you in your
past.” Remember. I’m telling people straight-up how
I feel without shame, and everybody else is getting bent out of shape about how I should
feel about sex, but I’m the one who lacks self-confidence here. “Romance without sex isn’t ‘asexual.’ That’s
just being a woman. Men put up with romance so they can get sex. Women put up with sex
so they can get romance. Congratulations on being an unremarkable woman. Now, if you had
absolutely no interest in romance OR sex, then you might deserve the label ‘asexual.'” Oh goodie, pointless sexism! Women are never
sexual, sex is always about men, LESBIANS NEVER HAVE SEX, and dating is just a bargaining
chip for men to get some. Ya know, I don’t date, but plenty of asexual people do. Remember,
all you romantic asexual people, you’re not really asexual. “It has been scientifically proven that asexuals
are frauds. Their bodies work fine, but it’s all in their heads. And just about every single
asexual can be trained to be sexually responsive. A lot of the time, mostly in women, the body
and the mind aren’t quite in sync. But there are no real disorders which can explain asexuality
in a healthy adult. A lot of people tend to refuse the fact that they are sexually aroused
as well, for whatever reason. But if you’re healthy, you ARE SEXUAL.” Four words. “Quote me the study.” Scientifically
proven? By who? There was a study on asexual people being
trained to “be sexual”? A self-identified asexual person was trained to be “sexually
responsive”? Oh, and asexuality was redefined as not being able to be sexually responsive?
Oh wait. I forgot this was a guy whose data came out of his asshole. “I’ll say it again, you aren’t asexual. Nobody
is. It’s a trendy fad among faggots and bisexuals.” In other words, queer people are pretending
to be asexual because it’s COOL. Last time I checked, talking about how much sex you’re
NOT having is the last attention-getting stunt that’s gonna earn you coolness points. If
virgins and people who aren’t getting laid are suddenly the hot cool item, I think I
missed a memo. “No one is asexual. They’re just afraid of
the dick or pussy.” Hmm, yeah, he has a point there. Lack of sexual
attraction is a lot like fear! Let’s just ask all the straight people who totally failed
to be gay based on fear of other people’s genitals. “Then why don’t you make yourself useful to
society and become a surrogate for people who can’t have children on their own? Stop
being selfish you fuck.” Remember, everyone: the only way to be useful
to your society is to rent out your uterus or become a sperm donor. The world needs more
children and I owe it to my species! Come on, was this really meant to be an argument? “Hahaha, ‘asexual.’ I love the imaginary things
people have to get attention and be different.” Yep, I’m pretending to not want sex, until
I’m in my thirties, to be “different.” To REBEL. To stick it to the man! By not fucking.
Sounds like a plan. “I can be content with a monk-like existence
too but that doesn’t make me asexual any more than being able to swim makes someone a fish.” I guess this person would have a point if
asexuality were a synonym for abstinence and not AN IDENTITY THAT EXPRESSES MY LACK OF
SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO OTHERS. Your sad analogy fails. “Would you have sex with someone to save your
life and the life of your family and friends? A person with gun enters your house and asks
you to have sex with the friend of your choice. Would you do it?” Well, not exactly a rape threat, but hey,
let’s introduce sex at gunpoint into this conversation. Just as a THOUGHT EXPERIMENT.
Ya know. I really hate these “would you have sex if”
hypothetical questions, because what they’re really trying to do is get me to admit that
I could have sex or see which friend I would choose, so that they can make assumptions
about my supposed buried desires. I could just as easily ask the person if they would
kill and eat a human baby to save 50,000 other babies, and then make assumptions about their
inclinations toward cannibalism. “Many women are asexual, in that they receive
no gratification from sex. You’re not special. There are many like you. Yet, I feel bad for
you. You’re missing out on quite an experience.” Ooh, another commenter who has a special talent
for packing a lot of fail into a very few characters. Okay, so let’s make sure I’ve
got this right. Women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, and yet I’m missing out on “quite an
experience.” Women just pretend to enjoy sex, and sex is actually FOR the guys. And furthermore,
I’m NOT SPECIAL, so here’s a nice side dish of pity. “Do you think of yourself as introverted?
And are you uncomfortable in social situations, possibly agoraphobic?” I actually don’t hear this one very often,
but it’s mostly thrown at me when someone thinks asexuality means that you have an inability
or lack of opportunity to get laid. For the record, I actually AM an introvert,
though that’s not the same thing as saying you’re shy or socially awkward, however, asexuality
has nothing to do with those things . . . I don’t know how many times I have to say it,
but somebody being shy or socially awkward or introverted being paired with being asexual
does not make their asexuality fake. Y’all really need to learn what we’re even saying
it IS before you try to explain it away. “Your asexuality seems to be based on your
dislike of men rather than your apathy towards men and women alike. Are you sure you’re not
just confusing yourself with a shy virgin with a very low sex drive?” I’ll admit I bash dudes in my videos more
often than I bash anyone else, but considering violent language against asexuality is more
often perpetrated by a) people who find sex very personally important to them or b) people
who are pissed off that they hit on me and they can’t have me, straight guys are the
most common offenders. I don’t hate men in general. I hate when people act like that. “Have you ever had a conversation with a very
handsome man face to face and not felt attraction while looking into his eyes?” Yes. This is like the nasty cousin of “well if
a hot celebrity propositioned you, you wouldn’t be able to say you were asexual for much longer!”
People who say this generally think that I would have to find some poor excuse for the
tingling and butterflies I would undoubtedly experience at the sight of a very handsome
person. Sure, I’ve had conversations with hot guys,
looked into their eyes, and felt absolutely no attraction. In fact, this perfectly describes
every interaction that I’ve had in that situation. “From what I can tell you are a type A personality.
You have to control every situation and you’ve convinced yourself that sex would divert that
control.” Armchair psychologists suck. I don’t wanna
do something so therefore I must have control issues. After all, as a woman, my role in
this world is to be submissive, and if I refuse to be, I must have a bunch of defects. Brilliant. Here’s one from a straight guy in my video
comments: “I’m just saying, you can’t say you don’t like it until you have had it. I
used to not like mayo and haven’t even tried it before and then I tried and I put it on
everything.” Do you put gay sex on everything? Guess that’s a condiment you mysteriously
weren’t inclined to try. Hmmmm. “I want this chick to get raped. Once you
get the bitch to realize that shoving something in the hole between her legs actually feels
good, this whole asexual facade will fall apart. “Do you feel your rights as a human being
are oppressed due to your asexual orientation?” Hey, it’s not like anyone ever threatens to
rape me over it, right? I once had a guy kiss me aggressively after
I said no and I had to actively run away to get him to leave me alone. And he yelled after
me that he was just trying to help me, and he harassed me online for months after that
trying to make me go out with him and telling me about how he was watching porn. Years later
when I talked about this in the media, someone said, you know, I’m trying to frame unplanned
kissing as rape and I want spontaneous sexual contact to be banned unless there’s a signed
contract, and he followed me around online claiming I’m making up stories for attention.
People will constantly frame unwanted sexual advances as necessary and healthy, and they’ll
say that we’re “hysterical” if we, like, expect them to respect our disinterest. This is the
attitude that gets people assaulted, and it isn’t some theoretical playground. This has
happened to people I know, and the culture that supports this attitude is the same one
that protects other kinds of marginalization, many of which affect the asexual community. Don’t you DARE tell me that we have no reason
to raise awareness about this because you refuse to acknowledge our problems as problems. “You are full of shit! Being an evolutionary
biologist, I call your self-proclaimed ‘asexuality’ a complete farce and utter nonsense. Human
genetics dictate that all males and females of our species are designed to the core of
our DNA that at some point in life an activation of several genes will trigger the emotional
impact to have family and kids . . . more so for a female being than a male. If you
are this way, it’s only because of the society. Biology has nothing to do with this. Your
limbic system of the brain triggered several neurotransmitters to other parts of the brain,
such as thalamus, hypothalamus, et cetera, to release several important hormones that
play along when an external stimuli hits the retina (in your case, a societal faux pas
or some other issues that male genders have purported). You are this way because of society,
if not entirely seeking attention.” Oh no, science flailing. I hate these self-important
asshats. First he invokes the argument from authority–“I’m
a biologist!”–and then he tries to throw in as many sciencey words as he can. You don’t
have to name parts of the brain to bolster your oversimplified theory about how we exist
to reproduce. Yes, most of us are wired that way. But do
the 1500 species of animals that have shown homosexual behavior get told they’re doing
it because of society? Somewhere along the line you have to admit that not every single
frigging thing that every individual member of every species does is about reproduction.
Sometimes things are done just to feel good. I also love the “Smart Babble” about how “external
stimuli hits the retina” . . . he’s trying to say that I’m programmed to get horny when
I see a cute guy, but it’s hilarious to watch him try to do so in a sciencey way. Not all
sexual attraction is based on visual stimuli. And that would also suggest that blind people
never feel sexual attraction. As if everything that we do is based on us liking what someone
looks like. “I think you like the idea of being attractive
but unattainable. Just a guess.” I’ve actually heard that one before. Yeah,
because when people want me and I don’t go out of my way discourage that attention by making
myself very unattractive, it must be intentional! You’d like that, wouldn’t you? ‘Cause then
you’d get to go around telling yourself that every girl who looks nice is asking you to
hit on her. You should stop trying to analyze other people
because you are just bad at it. “Unless you were born without ovaries, and
never menstruate, and have no hormones in your body, you were not born asexual. No one
cares if you don’t wanna have sex, you don’t have to throw it in our faces. Just don’t
date anyone until one day the water in the shower hits you all funny and makes everything
all gooey.” Ah, the sweet smell of invalidation in the
afternoon. Misconception 1: “Asexual” can only mean that
your body lacks reproductive organs. Fail! Misconception 2: I’m throwing it in people’s
faces when I make awareness videos about asexuality. You’re pushing play, so you’re literally throwing
it in your own face. Misconception 3: “The shower” physically turning
me on would change my sexual orientation. Even if I bought a vibrator and used it, that
wouldn’t change my sexual orientation, so this fails really hard. (And I really hate
when people condescend and say “well one day this’ll happen and you’ll realize you were
never asexual.” Seriously, read an article.) “I don’t really think I believe anyone can
be asexual. Either you are straight or gay. I have a feeling she is just in denial. She’s
a lesbo. I know these things. I have a gaydar that tells me who is gay or straight. It’s
hard to explain but I know a lesbo when I see one.” Wow, that is GROUNDBREAKING, man. This guy’s
magical gay-finding powers make him able to describe MY thoughts and feelings better than
I can, even though I’m the one who’s experiencing them! Somebody else’s condescension-laced
gaydar is obviously a superior way to tell what MY sexual orientation is. “It’s fairly obvious that this is a medical
condition. Not something that needs to be ‘cured,’ but obviously an abnormality. Like
being born with 4 fingers on one hand.” Oh yeah! Fairly obvious! Thanks, Dr. Tool. Psst–actual doctors who study sexuality have determined that asexuality isn’t by itself
a medical condition, so . . . you could always read an actual study, but why the heck would
you wanna do that? “I can accept your indifference to sexual
experiences, trust me if I can go with my girlfriend to bingo and shopping endlessly,
you can spread your legs and fake it.” Yeah man, ’cause it’s something I should just
be expected to do in a relationship, and having sex is totally like going to bingo. Not to mention that actually some non-asexual
people find it to be off-putting when their asexual partner doesn’t desire them the way
that they desire their partner. Who’d a thunk it could possibly be a turn-off when your partner
considers sex to be an obligation. You know what, no. Get out of here with your compulsory
sexuality and rape culture b.s. “Oh dear lord, what is it about millennials
and their obsession with labeling themselves? This is yet another version of special snowflake-itis.
As for ‘asexual’ being an orientation–i.e. the need to stick a label on one’s self–libidos
fluctuate in *everyone*. This isn’t news. It’s also pretty clear that the writer has
some other issues going on–she seems very shut down emotionally. Maybe she has no libido,
but that’s not the only thing going on with someone whose attempts at intimate relations
seems to have ended in high school.” Yay, another person who thinks we mean “not
having sex because we’re not horny” when we say “asexual.” Yeah, we know the word “abstinence,”
but apparently you don’t. And sure, I guess I probably “seem pretty
shut down emotionally” if you read a short article about me and you determine that romantic
attractions are the only emotions that count. And I can see how closely you read the article,
too, since you assumed I’m a millennial because you just love rolling your eyes at young people
and using their youth against them to dismiss them. Even if youth WAS a good reason to dismiss
someone’s asexuality (which it’s not), I’m Generation X, sonny. And since asexuality
isn’t “low libido” anyway, I think we can chalk this one up to willful ignorance. “The attempt to play to the Puritan/New Taliban
element that views all sex as bad shouldn’t be encouraged.” That’s right baby, by talking about what I
personally experience, I’m trying to take The Sex away from you and shame you. Wow. “The worst part is she doesn’t complain that
sex hurts or something like that, she just doesn’t desire to do it. I say grow up lady
and welcome to the club!” That’s right, I have to have a reason BESIDES
my own feelings–like actual physical pain–before I have any excuse not to give sex to men.
Biting down my own desires and putting up with sex I don’t want is called “growing up,”
because that’s what an adult woman has to learn in this world: she has no agency, and
becoming mature is all about accepting what someone else wants her to be! “This is abnormal, FLAT OUT, sounds like she
has some sort of autism or a mental disorder to me.” Looks like Dr. Tool is back. Not only is he
shaming autism and mental disorders, but he’s pretending–laughably–that he knows what
medical science says about asexuality. Nope. “Years from now, might she say, ‘I just hadn’t
met the right man/woman’?” Too bad if I die a happy centenarian, people
will still be grinningly assigning me pity for never having met the one. “Judging by her looks I think it’s best for
her self-confidence that she’s asexual as she probably wouldn’t be getting much anyway.” I just love the old like “this is just to
save face because no one would bang you anyway,” as if there is actually an objective line
of who’s just plain too ugly to get sex. No honey. But ya know, tell yourself that it’s
about us not being able to get any offers if that’s what you have to do to sleep at
night. “How selfish can you be? I spend roughly 75%
of my waking life doing things I’d rather not do. Some I have to, like work. Others
things I do in ALL my relationships because it makes others happy, even if I felt ZERO
sexual desire, I would try to please my significant other. Why do you think you get a pass?” More violently phrased HOW DARE YOU NOT GIVE
SEX, WOMAN???? nonsense. I’m sorry you think that’s what I’m for and that I’m “selfish”
if I believe my wants and needs are as important as yours. Some people who have ZERO sexual
interest in another person still have sex with that person for other reasons. But you
don’t EVER get to tell me that I EVER owe sex to another person. I DO “get a pass” because
I do, in fact, get to decide what my dealbreakers are. And nobody who considers sexual access
to my body to be their right has any business entering my life at all. “There’s no such thing as a romantic asexual
and no such word as ‘aromantic.’ There is a word that describes you: Misanthrope.” I found a word for dismissive self-satisfied
jackasses like you, too: Asshole. Gee, I love when people announce that things
aren’t real because they’ve never felt them and they’re not in the dictionary. Wow. “Asexuality is defined as being independent
of sexual processes, but you’ve never encountered sex so you can’t say that you are actually,
in fact, asexual. It does not matter if you haven’t been attracted to someone, which could
either be due to certain nurtures from when you were a kid, or the lack of hormones. The
former is more likely, as you seem to be perfectly normal, and a lack of certain hormones creates
obvious psychological imbalances.” Oh, great. So demanding that asexual people
undertake endless experiments to find a different answer and asking them to get their hormones
checked is the reasonable way to react to someone discussing their attraction experiences. I wonder if we can do an objective experiment
to find out what chemical imbalance makes ass clowns like this guy send insufferable
letters challenging the sexual identity of strangers. “Define yourself however you want. Asexuality
is an incredibly small segment of the world population. Less than one percent. It’s SELFISH
to push the awareness of this onto the general population when there are larger problems
to deal with. And I’m not even talking about starving children in Africa. I’m talking about
anything that is greater than one percent of the Earth’s population.” Yeah. It’s awfully selfish to try to reach
a largely isolated, confused group of people who are constantly getting messages like THIS.
And after all, we’re only talking about three million people just in the United States.
Sixty-five million people worldwide. That’s such a tiny insignificant number! I’m so selfish! Last time I checked, the death toll for the
World Trade Center was under three THOUSAND people, and no one says mourning those deaths
is a selfish thing to do just because it struck less than one percent of the population. That
whole “there are bigger problems we should worry about” logic is so ridiculous, too.
You don’t get to decide what’s a big enough problem to warrant discussion, asshole. “It makes me wonder if an asexual’s lack of
sexual attraction sometimes goes hand in hand with an inability to experience ‘love’ the
way most people do.” It’s amazing to me how many people will totally
admit that love isn’t the same thing as sex, and they’ll also admit that you can have sex
without being in love, but as soon as an asexual person who has someone they’re in romantic
love with says that they’re having that love without any sex, suddenly they’re no longer
qualified to describe what they have as love. Plus I’m aromantic and I’m really sick of
romantic love being portrayed as the only kind of love, and then this whole “inability to
love” thing being used to determine someone is deeply flawed or half alive or something
like that. I’m just– –Ooh. Wait. Oh hey, I got bingo! To be honest I don’t really know if that’s
a good thing. I don’t really wanna win Asexual Bingo. In my video from five years ago, I jokingly
asked “oh hey, what do I win for winning Asexual Bingo,” and then I showed a screenshot of
all the rape threats and death threats I get. The harassment really hasn’t stopped, sadly.
Every time I speak, I have to accept that I’m going to get comments like these. I wrote
an article about the need for mental health practitioners to responsibly educate themselves
about asexuality and why it’s so important, and I got that published in Psychology Today,
and the comments filled up with armchair diagnoses of my obvious mental instabilities and calls
for my supposedly unqualified opinion to be removed from the magazine. Sometimes I do
an interview and my Facebook messages will fill up with aggressive marriage proposals
and I’ll get messages on Twitter about whether I can give people a blowjob. Sometimes I make
a video and some asshole will link it on 4chan, spawning thousands of hate comments. But the
WORST thing about it is these people are NOT just trolls. They are saying the kinds of
things that everyday people think and believe about us and say behind our backs when common
decency wouldn’t allow them to say these things to our faces. I have to make it into a game
and laugh at it, ’cause otherwise, it’s depressing enough that I would probably cry. So maybe this time, can I get a NICE prize?